#02

Spring2015

Winning the heart of a damsel

Does winning the heart of a damsel seem like an impossible task? Have you capsized after straying into uncharted lady waters? Climb on board this life boat of love and let G.M. Norton guide you to the Promised Land, where fair maidens will swoon in your presence.

Meeting that special somebody can happen anywhere – on public transport, standing in a queue, walking around the supermarket, at work, in a greasy spoon. The moment you meet an exquisite creature stirs up a strong desire to overwhelm her with ‘the bold move’. Unfortunately, all too often the incident runs as follows. The fair maiden: all lipstick and eyes you get lost in. You: all nerves, incoherent and slobbering.
Don’t be this man. With just a little bit of effort, you can exude the most David Niven-like panache.

Ever mindful that you can meet the girl of your dreams anywhere; always be prepared. Just as you may have your best underwear on should you be knocked down by a moving vehicle (chances are, a mobility scooter), always be presentable. If you look good, you will feel good and confidence is the key to opening Pandora’s Box (or Catherine’s, or Jenny’s…).

 

Stand tall

So, you’ve met ‘the one’ and you don’t look like a nincompoop. Bravo! You’re also giving off a confident air. Allow her to inhale this alluring aroma for a moment; it will help cast her under your spell. Be mindful of your body language too; have the confidence to look into her eyes, point your body towards hers, keep your back straight and your shoulders back. You are a man, so stand tall and act like one.

Now you need to strike up a conversation. There’s no pressure but if you can, this is the time to be witty. Not like when you’re with your friends at the local drinking tavern, though. Be funny, in a good way – a howling laugh is the orgasm people are allowed to have in public. And for goodness sake, no chat up lines… unless you want to be set adrift as the cheesy man she will laugh with her friends about.

Compliments, on the other hand, are just the ticket. Everybody loves to be told something nice. She will remember you for it and feel happy – this is your aim.

wooing-02

wooing-03While you’re talking to her, oil the wheels of conversation by asking about her. She will like this very much. In fact, she may like you very much simply for this reason. Show genuine interest, find out what she likes and doesn’t like, passions and hobbies. Earn bonus points at future encounters by referring to the nuggets of information she imparted and she’ll think you’re the bee’s knees for remembering.

While you engage in the flow of witty conversation, touch her. Of course, don’t pinch her bottom at this juncture (if you play your cards right, you’ll have plenty of time in the future for grasping the restricted areas). Stick to the safe bits such as her back or her arm. Studying how she reacts to this ‘safe’ touching will reveal how successful you are at wooing her. If she squirms, you may have to cut your losses. But if she doesn’t resist, and even better, if she reciprocates the touching, she may be succumbing to your charms.

The best relationships develop from friendships so there’s no need to be gung-ho. If you are feeling lucky, though, press her hand with your digits or ask for hers. If she rebukes you, don’t be disheartened. There are plenty more fish in the sea. Just be careful in those waders. Last time, you had to be rescued by this lifeboat of an article.

 

First date etiquette

You’ve secured a first date with that special lady. Congratulations, but don’t count your chickens because this is where the real work starts. Heed this advice, gentlemen, and you may earn yourself another chance to impress.

  1. Show some initiative and plan the date – don’t leave it up to her. Take the lead. If you are on a budget, there are inexpensive yet thoughtful and romantic options that will have her squealing what a charmer you are rather than a cheapskate.
  2. Don’t be late! Allow plenty of time beforehand and arrive fashionably early.
  3. Think about your greeting. A kiss on the cheek will suffice, swiftly followed by a compliment about her ensemble.
  4. Don’t go on your phone. Turn it off, as your date should be your one and only focus.
  5. If you asked to take her out then you must pay for the whole shebang and just expect her company in return. She is your guest.
  6. Be a gentleman throughout: no swearing, mind your Ps and Qs, open doors for her, offer your jacket if it’s cold outside, walk nearest to the kerbside. Oh, and try not to get sloshed!
  7. Make sure she gets home safely. Insist she takes a taxi (and pay for it in advance) or walk her home if it’s only a short distance.
  8. Kiss her good night.
  9. Follow it up with a text or phone call the next day. Ignore all the rubbish about acting as if you don’t care, that’s complete twaddle.
  10. Go forth and pollinate. You will be passing cigars around the hospital waiting room in no time.

Read more from G.M. Norton by visiting his periodical,
www.nortonofmorton.com

 

G.M. Norton is on a quest to lead a gentlemanly existence. Residing in the North West of England, he aspires to better himself in the ways of old while showing the world that old-fashioned doesn’t mean outdated. www.nortonofmorton.com